Unnatural Grace

Today I was thinking about grace. Grace sounds so nice. It brings images to mind like a graceful flower or a swan. Beautiful, peaceful, gentle, natural.

In the dictionary, I found some interesting definitions here. Grace is a deep word. I've heard it defined as unmerited favor. The word can be what a king does when he visits a peasant. It can mean approval, favor, mercy, or pardon. It can mean "sense of propriety or right," which seems to contradict some of the other definitions. Our Sunday school teacher in Spokane keeps saying that grace is scandelous. It doesn't seem right. It's unnatural.

In my observation, grace is hard. It's costly and active. It demands tremendous self-sacrifice to bestow unmerited favor. It's unfair.

This got me thinking about my experience with grace, especially as it relates to conflict. When my siblings and I were kids, we were great at getting underneath one another's skin. Allison and I are the closest in age, and had the most run-ins. She was always a lot cooler than me and although 13 months younger she was always socially a step ahead. I remember several instances when it went like this:

She did something that hurt my feelings.

I could have chosen, at this point, to respond with grace.

However, I responded naturally, and got angry. Acting on that anger, my fists started flying. I was always a lot bigger and was also a good fighter, so the physical odds were decidedly in my favor.

The circumstances, however, were not. The one who gets in trouble when a fight starts is almost always the big one who is punching, no matter what the little one did to deserve it.

I have a vague memory of my mom making me apologize while I was still seeing red. Imagine her holding me back so I couldn't continue the physical onslaught.

Mom: "Laura, apologize to your sister."

Laura (spitting the words): "I'm sorry."

Allison: "Mom, she didn't mean it!"

Mom: "Laura, you know how we do this in our family. Look her in the EYES, say you're sorry, and ask her to forgive you."

OH the pain of that moment! Trying to make myself apologize was swimming against the current of every emotion in me. Sure, I knew I shouldn't have been beating my sister up. But from my perspective, she totally deserved it! I had reacted in the only way I knew I could win. In my eyes, I was justified.

If I apologize, doesn't she get off scot-free for what she did to me? Worse, to ask for forgiveness was to ask her to be gracious to me. Maybe she would see that as weakness and use it against me. Still, I knew I wasn't going to get out of the situation until I did an unnatural thing: apologize.

Breathe. Stop looking at your feet. Just get it over with.

Laura (pushing out the words while trying to make eye contact with her smug opponent): "I'm sorry. (Long pause, breathe, breathe, breathe.) Will you forgive me?"

Mom: "Allison, tell her you forgive her."

Allison (reluctantly, and looking a little less smug): "I forgive you."

Although somewhat forced, she did grant me favor with those words.

In that feeling of swimming upstream against my emotions, I was learning some big lessons. I felt I had the right to make her pay. She hurt me, and how else could I convey how hurt I was other than to show her what hurt feels like? Still, I wasn't right to make her pay. In hindsight  here is no way I could have punished her fairly. You may think that my reaction was disproportionate to her crime. But it certainly wasn't to me!

The Bible has a lot of unnatural commands regarding dealing with conflict. This one comes to mind today:

Romans 12:17-21
Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,”says the Lord. On the contrary:

          “If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
          if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
          In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”

Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

Allison is far from evil and neither is she my enemy. But what if I had in mind that I would fight with kindness, giving her grace when she offended me? It would have been a lot less painful for me, for starters. I should have done that unnatural thing then, and I should do it more often now.

Present

Although there are a few things I think I could write about today, I don't seem able to do any of them justice. So, I decided to share one of my favorite Bible verses which has come up in conversation a few times lately.  This verse is a beautiful reminder of some very deep truths.

International Cooking Disaster

Today I made chili for dinner. It is one of my favorites both to make and to eat, and Jesse and I enjoyed it.

Our dinner tonight.

When I make chili these days, however, I can't help but remember the biggest cooking catastrophe I have ever been responsible for. Actually, it was the biggest I have ever witnessed.

It was back in 2011 when I was visiting England from Palestine/Israel. Kagi and I were dating and I was staying with the Greens. I decided that it would be fun to make dinner for them and Kagi one night. The previous fall I had found cornmeal in England after a lot of searching, so chili and cornbread was my plan. I scoured allrecipies.com for the best chili recipe and found and American one that looked great.

I decided to make a lot of chili, and spent a whole day walking to various shops to gather the necessary ingredients. I went to both English and Asian (Indian or Pakistani) shops to make sure I had all of the meat, beans, veggies, and spices. I remember carrying heavy bags for a mile or so, ready to make the meal.

Back at the house, I set to work. Onion, meat, garlic, tomatoes, beans, and spices in a very big pot. It looked and smelled great.

With everything in, I tasted it to make sure the flavors were right. Immediately my eyes and nose started running. My mouth was on fire, and I realized what had happened. Chili powder in the States is a mild spice mix for making chili and things like it. Chili powder in the UK is made from chilies. The recipe called for 1/4 cup of chili powder, and I had followed it exactly.

At that point, I knew I probably should scrap the whole thing. I am known for my love of spicy food and even I couldn't eat that.

But after all of the work to get the ingredients I couldn't bear to throw it away. Maybe I could fix it...

So I started by straining the whole thing. I may have even rinsed it. It was still really spicy. Next, I added quite a few more cans of tomatoes. I added a lot of sugar. I added beans. I added everything I could think of.

Finally, it got to a point that I could kind of eat. By this time, the family was home. Kagi was there, and I didn't know what to do.

So I served the chili and cornbread.

It was so hot. Honestly, I could barely eat it, and I know I have a very high spice tolerance. The worst part of the whole thing is that I served it to the best sports I know. I don't know how, but they managed to eat it. I still can't believe I did that to them.

To me, the funniest part of this situation was Kagi, who had a really awful cold the day this happened. He loved the chili and ate a lot of it. He says he doesn't remember it being spicy at all! :-)

Happy Birthday, Pops!

Sunday was my dad's birthday. It was very fun to celebrate with him, and especially because I got to take him on a hike. Actually, he took me, but it was my idea:-).

Here are some pictures of the beautiful afternoon:

I thought this mossy tree was really cool.

When we reached the high ground there were many signs of deer and elk having been there. We started looking for "sheds," meaning antlers shed by deer after the winter. The whole time I was looking I just kept remembering how bad I always was at "Where's Waldo" and "I Spy" books. Definitely not my gifting... and antlers are designed to blend in with sticks! Turns out, though, that they are probably still on the deer's heads. We'll have to check again in the next few months.

Happy Birthday to the best dad a girl could wish for! I love you!

Look at that view!

On the way back down the mountain my sister called to wish Pops a happy birthday as well.  Interesting how much more snow there is on the shady side of the mountain, isn't it?!

Bald Eagle

Yesterday when my dad got home from his run he told me he wanted to show me something. So we jumped in the truck and drove to a nearby street. Thankfully, the bald eagle he had come upon while running was still there. It was beautiful and so much fun to watch it and take some pictures. They aren't very good, but I thought I'd share anyway!

And here is the video which shows it beautifully and gracefully flying away!

Thanks to my amazing father who knew I really wanted to see a bald eagle and took me to see it. Seriously, it was really cool and a fun outing together.

Six Months

Today marks six months since the most significant and best day of my life, when Kagi and I got married. It was a wonderful, wonderful, meaningful day of celebration with many of our best friends, full of excitement and anticipation. I married my best friend who I love and trust and enjoy. Not much gets better than that.

Photo credit: amybirdsong.com.

This half-year has been something... certainly not been what we expected. It has contained some of the best and some of the hardest days in my memory.

On that day of our marriage, I so looked forward to being together, but I expected that, knowing myself, it would tough for me to make the transition from being single to married. In actuality, though, it was great fun. Kagi is my best friend and it is so fun to do life together. I love that in the times of both bliss and conflict we were building our life together. Work in marriage is purposeful and should pay dividends for decades to come. I really like that.

On the other hand, our circumstances have been very hard. Due to (mostly) unexpected visa issues we've physically been together for only about two of the six months. After being on the road for several years and being long-distance for much of our dating and engagement time, I was thrilled to live together and have our own home -- something I've really missed over the last few years. I couldn't have been more ready to really live somewhere -- to get my stuff in one place, to decorate, and take a break from living on the road. Sadly, the unpredictable nature of life on the road has only increased for me since being married.

With all of the turmoil, I have occasionally struggled deeply with disappointment, disillusionment, and even self-doubt. On that day of our marriage, I so looked forward to being together. I looked forward to getting some balance and steadiness back in life. I love Kagi and so want to live our life together, and even now I am here, on the other side of the world, having too much to do but feeling unable to do anything productive (probably a topic for another blog). At times, I fear that this time apart will damage our relationship. I fear that I am going to completely lose it.

In thinking about it today, however, I am thankful that even though I couldn't have imagined this kind of a start to marriage, God has graciously sustained us. I am so, so glad I married Kagi, and even knowing what has happened so far I would do it again even more confidently than I did six months ago. And I remember some key things I have been learning:

•  I don't know how many days we will have together, so I will be thankful for every one we are given. If I can learn that lesson well and live it out for years to come, it also should pay dividends. That helps. 
• Although we don't have much right now, we seem to have enough for today. That is a blessing and something I want to be truly thankful for. 
• We are so blessed with friends and family on whom we really have needed to rely on to get through this. I don't take one of them (you) for granted and when I think about you I remember that no matter how difficult things become I am (we are) lavishly and extraordinarily blessed. 
• The Lord who supplies all my needs is present and is good. When I am frustrated with people and institutions as I have regularly been of late, I am challenged to remember this: Psalm 20:7 Some trust in chariots and some trust in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God. In my mind it sounds a little more like: Some trust in governments and some trust in money, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God.

Oh Lord, let it be that I respond in trust and rest in you no matter the circumstances. And please make a way for us to be back together soon.

Yesterday in the beautiful weather I went for a walk just before the sun set. I decided to take some pictures and then to have some fun editing them. Here are some pictures from the neighborhood my parents live in.

I do love all of the evergreens in Washington!

I loved this pink hydrant!

See how much I liked it? :-)

Fun wood sign.

The barn.

Just a cool piece of wood.

This just makes me so happy! Caution... kids on teeter totters:-).

I may post tomorrow, but I also might not (apparently Sundays in Lent are "mini Easters").